Before 2020, pandemic was a word that belonged to the world of some sci-fi dystopian world. Now, we are here. The issues going on in the world right now feel so-just-BIG for lack of a better term. And heavy. And at moments, a little scary. I actually wouldn't consider myself a very anxious person-but I think most reasonable ppl can feel the break from the norm with the intensity of it all. I constantly feel like some one said, that we are at all times both under reacting as a world, and over reacting. And sure, its affecting life now, but we really have no idea how long this all could take, especially now as the numbers are rising the death toll is starting to apply to us here in the US.

In a day to day sense, there are the basic differences. Its hard when we are taking seriously, and the local government seems to as well, but many around us think its some kind of a fun social experiment. Like how stores how gone to the lengths of taping out what is 6 ft apart in line, limiting how many people can go in at a time, and restricting the amount of paper products and dried goods a person can purchase, but still-people find ways to make loop holes and ignore the lines to stand right behind you and get in your bubble; in their minds, its all a big joke. Meaning of course that we try not to go to the store unless its a necessity, but drive up grocery options are overwhelmed and limited, and the restaurants are either closed or switching to shorter hours, or take out only, which ultimately means cooking at home, but with pantry items aka less perishable aka less fresh fruits and veggies. Which was predominantly what we ate before all this. So our diets are beyond our control, our social lives are out of our control, our exercise is different now. School has changed from in person to remote for the kids and Lester for an indeterminable amount of time. I mean-its not all bad-but it just feels like alot of unexpected change...a change that the world is going through together.

The truth is, and I think I speak for kids when I say this too-I miss my friends. And even though we get out here and there for necessities like groceries or to drive around till we find an empty place to walk, I miss being able to go where I want when I want and interact w other humans in public w/o having to worry about the very real lasting consequences that are coming from it [like the over 1,000 deaths in the US so far] So I don't do these things-bc again its real, and there are bigger things at stake-but its still hard. Its hard knowing how this is going to affect our homes, like parents and Grandparents, and wishing that if it has to be like this, can it at least be w a beach sunset over the cliffs-or wondering how the businesses we love will fare, if they'll last. Or thinking about job security  when we are still in school and we have so much further to go till it starts coming back our way, especially now that this could possibly push that back even more. I feel like a baby even complaining about this when there are so many big things happening. And I know I keep saying this. But I'll say it again-its jus HARD. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way-we all have lots on our plates-now we just have this one giant thing in common on them too.

Usually I'd just follow this up w a positive, uplifting sentiment-and I feel those too. But sometimes, like I'm telling my kids, its ok to just be honest and say this is really hard and I don't want to do it. Even if its just for the history books, to get a realistic picture of how COVID 19 affected one person. And wallow for a bit-so then we can go THROUGH it and not be stuck, and tomorrow be able to pick up and be positive again. And of course, someday in the future see the unexpected blessings this pandemic brought, bc I am sure those are there too. But right now, I'm just feeling a bit weighed down.

In the end, this isn't forever. Its for now-and we don't know how long this 'now' means. But we can deal w it. I appreciate the time to not just spend w my kids and husband, but rather to CHERISH and go through something hard together, noting us in our little trenches. I love the chance to take an active part in their learning, and to read with them and discover things. To have to get creative and bake and read and watch and do things that challenge me. Things like the fact that I am 32 and this is the first time in my life that I have ever seen the point of hiking. I've always loved nature, but I've always been aware of the time constraints, the things that I still had to do for the day when I got back, the needs of everyone around me, the gear we needed and didn't have, and so on and so forth. Now that the world has stopped, and all of our schedules, I can just BE in nature, not rush and schedule nature and limit myself. And its the first time I've ever felt that way. And I have loved that,

There are a lot negatives about this-and a lot of hard. But there are alot tender peaceful positives about it when I focus. And I guess I just wanted to record that for the history books when we look back and tell our children's children about living through the pandemic. Still, I have the most important thing I need w the people I am quarantined with-so its ok if this takes some time, tears, hope, work, rest patience, and faith. And of course, alot of long suffering consistent love from all of us. We will all be ok...even if we are not ok right now.