This year after 9 years of marriage and 3 kids, we finally decided to spend the actual holiday alone. With that in mind, we made the days leading up to it filled with fun activities, especially since, for once, Lester was able to join in with us. It was quiet, and fairly unstructured, which is unusual for us. And it was incredibly good for the soul. We did a lot of family cuddling and hot chocolate making, some visits w friends, watched a lot of Christmas movies and read alot of holiday books, built gingerbread houses, made and delivered candy leis and other goodies, went on some wintry walks, decorated sugar cookies, baked and cooked to our hearts content, saw the latest Star Wars movie and Frozen 2 and more.

The night before Christmas we talked about our Savior and what his birth meant for the entire world, and then obliged our children as they begged us to go to bed so that Santa could come. The next morning we woke to see he had indeed been here, leaving us stockings and a few gifts, some nibbled carrots from the reindeer and an empty cookie plate and milk cup. We had fun opening things up, eating homemade croissants and other breakfast goodies, and then enjoyed a lazy day w a quick scooter ride in the perfectly falling snow, skipping rocks on the half frozen water, and catching snowflakes on our tongues. It was slow and sweet and special. We also got to talk to our families and catch up w them. I even got to see/talk, for a very quick second, to my Grandma Hanaike, who passed away later that night, making the day even more important and memorable, in a way we never anticipated. It was a very real reminder for us of how important the promise Christ's birth and existence effected in a more real, tangible way. It was bittersweet to say the least. It was unlike any other Christmas I've ever experienced, but looking back I don't know that I would necessarily have done it any other way. It will live in my memory for a long time. 

A few days after that, we flew home to spend time with those who knew her, and those who we love. In typical Hanaike fashion, it was a non stop, 10 day party the entire time. We broke off a few times to visit w Lester's family, and to see our friends, which meant the world to me, but generally we spent most of the time w my immediate and extended family. I think in the midst of things, and considering the sickness that rampaged through the house, it all felt surreal. It reminded me of the way I was raised-with lots of LOUD, warm light no matter what the time was, cookies, an ocean cliff backdrop and a door that eventually gets left open bc of Dad [you know what I mean] and also bc what's the point in closing it anyways, w all the people coming in and out? If I'm honest, I wish that I hadn't felt so sick-I think this was one of the first times that I've actually experienced real, legit FOMO with all the fun that was being had, and me feeling like I was in a fog for alot of it. Still-it was 100% worth it, and I enjoyed most of it, and it was nice to be back, w so many people and places that have meant to much to me over these 30 something years of my life so far-a place where I feel like I make sense. 

There were a lot of high lights amidst all the craziness I want to record. One was being able to do 'Christmas morning' with my parents, siblings and Natalie and her family. There was so much thought and work put into it from all sides, and I loved being part of that. My Mom had recently gone on a Marvel movie watching marathon, and had spent the year making each and every one of us hand knitted scarf with an assigned character to go with it. It was fun, and so thoughtful, as she put explanations as to why she gave us the characters she did. We also did the sibling exchange, and I got some wonderful earrings and kitchen towels w my favourite Julia Child's saying on it 'people who love to eat are always the best people.' This week was a perfect object lesson of that quote I think haha. Another was being able to get together with my high school friends for brunch at Liz's house on the ocean-with spouses and kiddos its turned into such a big group, and I love the personal relationships I get to have with each of them, and getting to love and hold their babies. I loved the freezing beach mornings w my siblings, writing in the sand, chanting and running in circles, spinning and dipping our feet in the freezing water and breathing in the salty sea air, eyes closed, ears full of powerful crashing peaceful waves that I still hear, even now. I loved watching the kids relationships absolutely thrive, with creative play, climbing trees, making cookie factories and having a very organised shop to sell them, the puppet shows, and hours of laughter and occasional tiffs as they got closer, sillier, and more tired and hysterical. I loved the game nights and political discussions between my husband and others. I loved the days we spent in our city, with my in-laws, eating at some of our favourite places, experiencing food we don't get to here, while shopping and seeing the sights. I loved the oh so needed girls night w some of my closest friends at Dandelion, where they eventually had to ask us to leave bc they were closing up shop, and how therapeutic it was. I loved 'Christmas Eve' at Auntie Kathy's w my Hanaike cousins, w the Chile Verde and rice, presents galore, makeup fashion shows, and the incredible slide show where I found out more about my Dad, Aunties and Uncles and Grandma then I ever had before, and I got to appreciate the life and relationships they gave us, no matter how much distance, time or drama comes and goes. I loved meeting my new niece Emerson and getting to snuggle her, and enjoy her baby ness. I loved spending a very loud and crazy [and hazy bc of the sickness] few hours in and out of the living room to enjoy my Chandler cousins [and others] with more cookies then I could count before they'd disappear. I loved watching Bear interact w my sweet Grandma Chandler, who I think he seems to have a special love for, and who he always wants to bring things to and sit with. I loved going to church with so much diversity [in multiple ways] and being able to commune, and worship and share and learn from ppl who all loved each other, even if we aren't all from the same place or of the same mindset. 

But of course-most important of all was my Grandma's memorial service. It felt weird having an event like that, and not having her there. There was a lot of work and love of course that went into it, and I think it did help in the healing process in a way. My Dad made a good point in his eulogy when he said that by the time we came around, we only knew as 'Mom' and 'Grandma'. It was incredible see pictures of her, and have things from her life before all that. She had hopes and dreams and aspirations, and eventually, she became a single Mom to 6 kids in the city, and still kept going. In my family, and religion, we sometimes talk about 'spiritual gifts' that people are given. My Grandma and Hanaike family aren't LDS, but I have been told through out my life one of mine is the ability to make relationships and deep friendships easily; I think my Dad probably has that gift in his own way too, but I don't think I ever really considered how much of that may have come from her and her family. Of her siblings, we only know of one that was actually legally her actual brother. But then we have so many others, like Uncle Carl, and Rhonda who we always knew were her family, but not quite sure how. It turns out that her parents, and then her in turn, took these people, regardless of where they were at then, or where they were going into their hearts and and made homes for them. My Grandma taught me that you don't have to be just one thing I think. That you could be an elderly lady who still liked to catcall all the men, and party a bit. That you could be the hammer that disciplines, and the soft place to land. That if need be, you could be the Mom, and the Dad, bc that's what she had to do. That Uncle Carl could be one of the most stable, positive influences in her and my Dad's life, and also be a drug dealer. That Uncle Matt could battle you and imbue you with all things Star Wars, all while making the best snow toast this world has seen. Or that I can be a stay at home Mom, and an individual, and maybe even activist and cool person w dreams FOR my kids and husband, and dreams outside of them. The truth is, she was kind of nuts and really sassy. I don't know that she fits the mold of what most people would dredge up when they think of Grandma, but she was mine and bc of that, she was just right. The truth is, she was a perfect example to me of feelings being for basic people, but also important and necessary, even for people like me and her. And I think for the next year, I may be deep in them, when I wear her old pumps from her teen years, that she gave me for senior prom, or see Isla spinning in her old sweatshirt and wanting to hold it tight to see if her smell that I can't describe is still there.

I just miss her. And she was old. And even though it was faster then we expected, I feel surprised how deep and sad I feel about it-bc I know that being old, and living a long life means you die. But it just feels weird to live in a world knowing she's not here at least physically. It does help to feel like I will see her again though. And even though I feel all these things, I know that it will be ok in the long run. And its ok if that's not today. 

Anyways-I feel like this post is probably fairly un readable, and long and scatter brained. But that's how I feel most days right now I think. I imagine now that we are back, once we get a routine going and I'm not on my period any more [TMI? oh well!! haha!] I will feel better. But its ok to have a day to miss Christmas and its magic and to miss crazy old Grandma and her wild thing ways. So today-this night-will be just that. Hope your season was wonderful-here's hoping 2020 is full of happiness and hope. I think we all need a win this year.