-How excited the girls were to play on the beach and be able to run wild in nature, no restraints.
-How much I love the color green, and seeing it all around me in the lush forest.
-The surprise field of calla lilies.
-Watching Addy run ecstatically to the ocean waves, and Isla come scurrying away from them to watch and lounge on the blanket with me.





-The face Isla made when she tried a mouthful of sand,  and the noises she made when I made her spit it out.


-How the girls polished off almost as much of the foil dinners we made as Lester and I did.
-The smell of campfire that always seems to permeate everything and everyone. I love that smell.


-How Addy begged me the day before if she could help make the banana boats we were going to have for dessert, and then how personally offended and sad and indignant she was when the raccoons made off with them in the blink of an eye.
-All the follow up conversations from the raccoon fiasco, like....

"The racoon Mommy and Daddy need to put them in big trouble.  They need a big time out-or a spanking!'
"Oh no Mom, those we're my bananas-and they had marshmellows and I love those and not racoons!"
"Jesus is not gonna be happy about this."
"Oh no, my poor dessert..."
.....and so on and so forth.

-How both girls kept pointing out the big ships that would roll by us on the beautiful ocean...and the hushed tones they had every time they would say "moon" or "star" in the night sky.
-How adorable Isla looked when we realized she is officially to big sharing a sleeping bag with us, so we made a makeshift sleeping bag out of a pillowcase, with her and then the pillow under, all wrapped up burrito style in a blanket...and how much she loved it. [and how we ordered her one of her own shortly after that...]
-The sound of the ocean that put all four of us to sleep, to the point that I took my earplugs out and just listenened to the soft, deep roar of it till I was out.


-How that random deer seemed totally fine with us, and watched us watch him until sauntering over to the battleship ruins-same with the gorgeous birds that were everywhere.


-That swing that was way to tall for us in reality, and how trusting Addy was and good about listening and coming down from it, no matter how beautiful it was.


-The feeling of a perfect Northern California warm day, staring at my girls, my husband and the Golden Gate bridge and skyline, no time limit or restraints, and no one else on the beach. The feeling of peace and perfect contentment,  fulfillment and happiness that came as a result.





-Waking up happy.


-The bathrooms.
-The bugs. [how have we camped this much and just now had to deal with bugs?]

I graduated from college with a Bachelor's degree in the summer of 2010 with a fairly useless degree. Of course, hind sight is 20/20, and to be honest, I am living the life that I hoped and aspired to. But now that I'm here I occasionally find myself looking back, wondering if I should've done things differently or what I should have chosen. The people I surround myself with are all fairly successful in their fields, and seem to know exactly what they want and where they are headed. And to be fair, they are all sincere, kind and genuine people.

But when we're in a group together, with people I don't know, I so often find myself answering the question '...and what do you do?' then saying 'stay at home Mom' somewhat apologetically. And no matter what the response is [usually positive and even admiring], I still find myself thinking of my friends and all they've done. In the same time frame, I've gotten married, had two kids and am doing my best to help support my insanely hard working husband as he strives to meet the dreams and goals he's aspired to. But for some reason, when I look at what my friends have done, where they've been, and the mountains they've conquered I feel like to the the world, I must look like I've settled or I'm lazy.

For example, why is it that when someone asks me, "What did you do today?" I find myself so exhausted, spent and busy running around all day-but I find myself at a loss for words, opening and closing my mouth thinking-what exactly DID I do to today-and how can I tell them, and help them understand that it was as productive and important as what they did? I can't. And occasionally, I allow myself to think that because I can't, maybe it isn't as important.

But then, the other day my husband, who I think this affects probably more then anyone [both in a physical sense in that he is the one working to pay the bills, and in a spiritual sense in my need for self fulfilment, purpose, and a need to feel like I'm contributing] told me in passing about something that re affirmed what I already knew, and needed to be reminded of.

The night before, we'd been practising for hours for an upcoming mock interview assignment he had. He's never been one to talk about himself or brag-he'd much rather listen and observe then be the centre of attention. So he needed me to help him see his strong points and the areas where he needed improvement. He took all my advice and listened through out our practising, and then when we were done we'd do the question over again until both of us were satisfied. It probably sounds tedious, but I enjoyed it-talking to another adult who respected and listened to what I had to say, and gave me the opportunity to do the same-it was a nice change up from the life of a stay at home Mom.

So as we were standing there doing a mountain of dishes together the next night, he was going over how it went, the questions they ended up asking, etc. And then he said they asked him one we didn't go over, and interestingly enough, it was "Who motivated you to pick a career and medicine and why?'

I listened to him talk and tried to figure out who he would've said. Maybe an old teacher, or a clergy leader in the medical field-something like that. And then he laughed and told me he said me! I was confused, so I laughed and sarcastically said 'Right, bc I have SO much medical experience..' thinking he was joking. He chuckled then and told me was serious though-that he answered me. Then he explained that I was the one who helped him to recognise his goals and dreams, especially in this field-and the one that made it possible for him to pursue it but still get to have a family. The one to encourage and support and improve him at times. The one who gets all the peanut butter and snot stains, the wild and crazy temper fits and sometimes lack of gratitude, the repetitive nature of being chauffeur and working on toddler level skills rather then interacting and challenge myself mentally. He said that I am what motivated him to do what he's doing-and that he wouldn't, and truly couldn't do it without me. The crazy thing is, he said that both the professor and the classroom observers all said that it was his best answer yet-that they had been looking for and answer like a professor or mentor, etc bc that's the answers they usually get-but his answer was unique, and clearly genuine and showed what he was about and that he was committed.

I think I often worry or feel like I'm weighing him down from flying free into his dreams bc I am home with the kids. Like a ball and chain that holds him back. And then I feel ungrateful since I sometimes feel frustrated with my kids or a situation-when really I should just be grateful to him making this possible for me. But being a stay at home Mom is blessing and job that requires sometimes demeaning work.

He reminded me and made me feel like without me staying home with the kids, he would be unable to withstand the winds that blow him off his course and make his dreams in possible. He made me feel not only valued and appreciated, but also essential to making his dreams-scratch that-OUR dreams possible. Like I'm the one giving HIM the gift. I think I needed to hear that.

I don't often dwell in the world of comparisons. But I think all of us sometimes take a wrong turn into  that lane if we're not careful. I'm grateful for a husband, for kids and a job that reminds me that no one can be compared to me. That I am an irreplaceable individual, and an important person who deserves the best and gives my best to those around me.

I'm also grateful for friends who [like I said earlier] are genuine and make me feel like they look up to me. No matter how much they have accomplished or how I look at them as so far above me at times, they continue to ask ME for advice and aspire to what I have! Sometimes this shocks me; especially in the nights of 3 hours of sleep or feeling like I'm gonna lock myself in the bathroom just for 5 minutes alone to do nothing. But I can tell they mean it when they say it-and that means the world to me. Most of them aren't religious, and I don't think they would ever use the term 'blessing' to describe themselves. But I can't see them as anything short of a blessing in my life-bc they see the best in me, and motivate me to be better. And I see that as the hand of God in my life, leading me along, back onto a path of happiness and strength.

Someday, I will probably go back to school or a field that will get me to a career suited for me [especially now that I'm older and know myself so much better now!]. Lester reminds me of this and tells me to just say the word when I need that or when its time and somehow, someway we'll make it work.

But for now, I think I will stay where I'm at. Home, with my kids. I know that my life is better for them, and that the work I'm putting in here will have far greater reaches then any other job that I personally would have now if things were different. I also know myself well enough to know that if it were different and I was working while they were elsewhere, I'd constantly be wishing I was the one kissing their scrapes and bruises, overseeing their education and social skills, or even dealing with their temper fits. I am the best person suited for this job as their parent, and I can't say enough how wonderful that is. So the next time I feel like comparing myself, I'm just gonna remind myself that I am appreciated-that people want what I have-and that while I may not be moving mountains or making tons of moolah, I am the one that makes it possible for everyone to fly. And that makes me both content, and extremely happy.