Well, it turns out everything went much smoother then anticipated. We got to the hospital at 8:00 in the midst of a tornado watch [darkest clouds I've ever seen, but it didn't turn into a tornado which is great]. After waiting for a while, they admitted us into radiology and said only one parent at a time could come in [ridiculous!]. So I went in there with her. I was already trying not to cry, when he said they wouldn't be sedating so I would have to help hold her down. I told them to hang on, because me and Lester were going to switch. There was no way I was going to be able to do that. He went in, and I held it together until I heard her screaming and crying from the waiting room. Of course, then I cried too. About 45 minutes later, my two came out in great moods. Turns the reason they didn't have to sedate her is because they had an alternative, way easier way of doing it. The put something called contrast in a bottle and had her drink it, then cat scanned her tummy which high lighted what they needed to see. So in the end, there was no scary sedation and no scary scope. We still have no idea why the doctor told us it would be that way.

Anyways, we have a follow up appointment on Tuesday to get the results, but were feeling pretty optimistic. As much as I don't want it to, the formula/breastfeeding seems to be working. We will see. Again, we thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for all the love, concern and support you've all given us. It has meant the world.

PS: Addy has this funny habit of fake sleeping at times. A day or two after the appointment she has been extra sleepy. You can usually tell which it is by her face. Below she is really sleeping.

We went to the zoo again today. It was fun. Now were home just cuddling and hanging out, trying not to think about tomorrow. Were supposed to get to the appointment at 8:00, and we can't feed her at all past 6:30 AM in preparation. I'm sure everything will be fine-I just feel bad that we have to do this at all. At least Lester has the next three days off. Oh well. Here goes nothing I guess..

My baby is currently sleeping. I can't stop looking at her. She is so beautiful. It has been an interesting week-as I stare at her, I can't help but wonder what its been like for her. What goes through her mind, how she sees this world she's so recently come into. I know I've talked multiple times about how its so difficult-but two things happened this week that had me wishing there were parts of her life I could just freeze and hold forever. Pictures and this journal is going to be as close as I get to that.

Today, Ms. Adelaide turned 3 months old. Since day one, she has changed our lives for the better and it is a joy to watch her learn and grow. From the day we brought her home, she was already working on holding her head up-this girl waits for no one. Now, she holds her head and back up and is rolling over and crawling without realizing it [thank goodness!]. She slowly started to reach and grasp for things [other then our fingers, she already has a good grip on those!] and she is a non stop talker. She is absolutely FULL of smiles, and she gives them out often. She has great eye contact and focus and we are simply bursting with pride.

We went to back to Pops for soda to enjoy Lester being home and Addy getting older. As usual, she couldn't stop looking around at all the colors and fun going on around her. Again, she is a joy and we are so happy and blessed to be able to call her our daughter. We love you sweet Addy girl!

In reading my friends blog the other day, she referenced Ecclesiastics 3:1-8 which says this:


This struck me. I think I've asked myself multiple times why am I here in this situation? There must be a reason-a purpose to these experiences here. This scripture reminded me that there is a purpose and reason to this season of my life. For the past few years, it has been time to dance, laugh, gain, love and enjoy peace. But maybe now is the opposite end of that. A time to plant seeds of growth-a time to break down [maybe even often] so that I can someday be built up better. A time to heal from a changed body and changed heart. A time to be silence and learn to be happy by myself. And of course, a time to weep as I let go. And you know what? That doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing...it can lead me to get re-acquainted with myself and who I am now, and to say farewell to the person I used to be, with all her fun but also huge imperfections. I am not the same person I was, and so it is time to let go of that girl and that time and accept/get to know this one. Lester & Addy don't need that girl any more, and despite what I sometimes think, I don't need her either. What we need is exactly me.

It is my time to be Addy's Mom, to love her and be her everything. Time to enjoy her smiles, her cries, her silly noises and rocking her to sleep. The same girl who referenced this scripture in her blog also referenced this poem her Mom has in her room. It says:


This time won't last. In all its difficulties and all beautiful moments, this to shall pass. Both the hard ones and the sweet baby filled ones. This time is important and I have to try everything I can to live in it and appreciate it. And I am sure I shall be better for it.

My sweet Addy girl is sick. She has a barking cough, is very congested and her eyes were swollen. We took her to the doctor and they said she has bronchilitis. They prescribed her some eye drops and albuteral and even gave her a nebulizer to administer it [as seen off to the side.] We also have saline solution and a humidifier to help her out. Ultimately, they say even though this is no fun, she will be fine. But still-my Momma heart is breaking for her. Even though I know we're doing everything we can, I still feel like I can't do enough! She is just such a good girl, and even with all this she still smiles and tries to talk to us all the time. She doesn't even cry more then usual. How did I get blessed with such a sweet girl?

Anywho, again, its not life threatening or anything like that, but keep her in your prayers I guess. She is the best thing that ever happened to us and I want her to feel better as soon as possible.

This is just a quick post to say Thanks. I never wanted my blog to become something where all I do is complain or talk about how hard I have it [especially b/c I do have so many good things in my life]. I want to uplift people, and have fun with it. But of course, we write about what is going on in our lives...and this is my right now. So I did it, but I was feeling a little exposed and worried people might not like hearing about my feelings again.

But I am glad I did..because its has reminded me yet again how many AMAZING, amazing friends and family I have, what with the outpouring of support that came from everyone as a result. I was amazed with the wonderful advice, love, and camaraderie I felt from so many people. They came in comments, calls, emails, visits etc. Its nice to know that I am not the only person who has felt this way and there are things I can do to combat it.

It also helped that Lester's first day of his new shift, I didn't have to be alone. From the second we said our prayers and kissed goodbye, I had people to lift me up. In one day, I skyped with my family at home, my high school friends, my sister Hillary and my homegirl Brittney. Lester also called and checked in whenever he could, because thats the kind of husband he is. All this because they knew Addy and I needed to see and hear that we were thought of and we will all be together again someday.

So anyways-I know that for me at least, this is still going to be a bit of journey. There will still be hard moments. But I know that there will also be so so many wonderful moments and that I have a world of support systems out there. So THANKYOU for loving me and my sweet girl and family. Thank you for your messages, your calls, you smiles, your packages and for who you are and all that you do. It is noticed and appreciated.

Today was Lester's last day of Academy [job training], so we were able to go to his work for a little graduation ceremony and refreshments. It was really nice to get out of the house, socialize with some of Lester's co workers and their families, and also hear a little bit about what they have been learning about these last few weeks. Best of all, we got to come home together. He has tomorrow off, and then Sunday night he starts his new schedule. I'm going to try to soak in the goodness of today and enjoy the time we have together while I can. Things will keep getting better because I will make them so.

First off, Lester and Addy are the best things that have ever happened to anyone, especially me, and I am so grateful for them and my life. But now I want your input.

I believe this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf with all my heart:

"Often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial.

The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness.

We do matter. We determine our happiness."

My question is HOW do we do this? B/c I feel like I'm trying everything I can to be happy, and attending to all the spiritual and physical points, but some how its still a struggle. Things got a lot better for a while, but then Lester got his schedule for the next few months. And guess what? Its not only weekend shift, but the night shift. One of my favorite things that testifies to what a good husband Lester is, is that he puts Addy to bed each night. He sings to her and reads sometimes, and they get to bond and I get my me time. Now, that will all be gone. While he is home, he will need to sleep, then he will go to work and we will go to sleep. For a long time I was feeling really lonely-but I tried to appreciate the hours we did have together. Now there will be even less of those. I feel like it will be just the two of us a majority of the time, and that stinks for us and for him. I know that there are those who have it way harder then I do-army families and what not. Props to them-because it is so much harder then I could have imagined.

I should say that I don't think these feelings are baby blues/post partum related in any way-she is one of the few things that I can wholeheartedly connect with and taking care of her is a joy. But whenever we leave here for Texas [which I guess we wont be doing as much since its on weekends and hes working now] or home, I am back to being me again-happy and healthy. So I believe it has to do with being here in this situation. There, I feel, fun, safe, smart and like people want me there, rather then just looking at me as service project. Honestly I think its feelings of homesickness. But then that makes me wonder whats wrong with me that everyone else can hack it here, far from their friends and family, but I can't? Why am I so weak at this?

To give you an example of the things I have been doing, I listen to general conference talks and read scriptures daily, I journal, I bake, I try to serve every time I find an opportunity, I go for walks and get out of the house, and I try to give myself projects and  hobbies. I skype with the people I love, and have the best ever support system in my husband who works so hard and selflessly whenever he can.

So WHAT is wrong with me? WHY can't I hack it? Does anyone out there have any suggestions for me on how to make myself be happy? Does anyone out there have experience with this? I believe we do matter and we do determine our happiness. But again..HOW? I am open to any thoughts or suggestions. Again, I know my life is SO wonderful, and that I am SO blessed, and I hope no one thinks I don't love or appreciate these things. I have my good days too, and I am glad I can blog about those as well. This is just a one of those tough days and I want to know if anyone has ways to give me less of those. I want to be my best self for these two-my best and biggest blessings. I am hoping that as I become happier I can make them as happy as they deserve. Because they deserve the world.

Don't know if you heard or not, but Lester and I are pretty much zoo experts these days. For this reason, we had to check out the Oklahoma one since we had heard that its supposed to be pretty great. So this morning, despite the cold weather we all bundled up and headed out. For the most point, it didn't disappoint! A majority of the zoo is recently renovated and the architecture and [stroller friendly] trails they have are really great. It was also nice because you are able to get right up close to the animals, unlike at some others we've been to. The only down side is that means the enclosures are a lot smaller, making for not as happy animals. But again, over all it was great and we loved it. Our favorite were by far the elephants. I won't bore you with to much talk this time, I'll just add a few pictures and say we look forward to going back in the summer some time!

This is just a preview into what mine an Addy's days are like. Typically she wakes up early, and I feed her and we hang out for a bit before a big long morning nap. Often I will wake up a little bit before her and get a few things done, like breakfast for me and clean a little. Then, she wakes up, she eats again, and we do our play/practice time. We play with her toys and boppy. Lately we have been working on her grip and her tummy time. She is slowly but surely starting to get to the point where she is reaching for the toys, and every day she gets better at actually grasping it. The point in her tummy time is to work on her arms, but without realizing it, she is constantly using her overly strong legs to propel herself forward. I am hoping she doesn't realize what she's doing other wise we will have an early crawler haha. She also has been working on her back strength-she has been holding her head up for weeks now, but now that she is working on other areas she's starting to get closer to being able to sit up by herself. After this, we [every other day] will give her a bath [which she loves] dress her for the day then put her in the frontal carrier and doing some more cleaning and cooking. She LOVES to listen and watch the cooking in particular. Eventually, she will often fall asleep and then when I take her off to feed her, we read some stories and sing some primary songs before putting her down for another nap. When she wakes up, we bundle up real tight and will go for a walk to check the mail, and do laps around the teeny little park area they have so we can get some air and exercise. When we get back, we often Skye with Hillary or my family and finish cleaning and cooking until Daddy gets home and wants to play with us. Mingle in a few more feedings here and there, and that is our typical day.




Its pretty basic and it may not sound important. But every day I see her learning and growing and I like to feel like some of that is because of me. I think I have so many worries of meeting all her needs and wanting to make sure she knows how much I love her, but I am blessed to be able to see that she knows this in her eyes and smiles. Like me she is a people person and she loves a good party or adventure. She has been reciprocating smiles a lot more now, although she saves most of them for her Daddy, who puts her to bed at nights. Anyways-its a good life and I am happy to call it mine.