In the last year or so I have been thinking a lot about friendships and how important they are. How they shape us, affect our life paths and the way we view ourselves and existence as a whole. 

Earlier this year, on one of my visits home, I was having a particularly difficult time. It got to the point that I was needed some help. I have this tendency to take things on fully myself. Like the whole 'anything worth doing is worth doing well', and who better to make that happen but myself-especially if it means I don't have to put anyone out. I think it just finally got to a point where I it was just physically and emotionally impossible to do everything myself, which meant the flood gates opened of feeling spread to thin for too long and a bit worthless. So rather than accepting that I couldn't do EVERYTHING, I felt like I couldn't do ANYTHING. I literally just shut down [not by choice, it was like my body and head decided for me] and was pretty non functional. I think I really relate to that part in little women where Amy expresses that she wants to be extraordinary or nothing at all. And part of me still is trying to come to terms with that feeling to this day. 

Luckily, I have the support system I do and they came to my aide. Lester and I have always been very different people with different needs, and he pointed that out to me in the midst of this. I think just the nature of his job, and mine as a STAHM, after all these moves has been a bit isolating for me. WA actually suits us really well-better than our last several moves. But I am just so tired of starting over and making new connections. So I haven't put much effort into it, which has taken a surprising toll for me. For him, I think that part of the moves has been a little bit freeing. He gets adult interaction at work, and beyond that, he doesn't need much more socially. I am his main friend, and that is enough for him. 

For me, as much as I LOVE this man-I have never been like that. There have been times where I've wondered if there's something wrong with me bc of how much I thrive off of friendships and social situations and how I feel a bit like a wilting flower without them. But I am at an age where I want real, DEEP connections and friendships. Ones that are easy and I can just BE and not have to fake it, and it's reciprocal and a safe, fun space. It's hard knowing that this is out there for me, but just not here, where we are living, no matter how beautiful it is.

Anyways-with his help, I did make it back to the bay with the kids that time. And my family, especially Lester and my parents, showed up for me in a big way. And beyond that, my friends did too. I think there is something so powerful in people who aren't obligated to love you, but CHOOSE to. I know I can be a lot. There was one day in particular that I had planned to get together with my friends, and I literally was unsure if I was going to get in the car and go. I didn't know if I wanted them to see me feeling so raw. My sister Hillary told me maybe that was exactly the reason I needed to go. But it had been 6 years since I had been living close to the kind of friends I could hang out makeup less with and I was scared to have friends who I admire so much to see me feeling so weak. 

I went. And I made it about 5 minutes before I started crying. And we spent the next few hours crying, and talking, and sharing and laughing. And they not only let me cry, but helped me see things more clearly and made me feel not like a drain but rather an asset. They pointed out that there have been years where each of us has needed support in turn, and we have all rallied and there was nothing wrong with me for being human; for needing support sometimes instead of giving it. Some of the things I said out loud I didn't even realize I had been thinking/feeling and it was like weight being lifted to speak those things out loud, to recognize them, and then free them. 

Fast forward to several months later, and I am in such a better place. Much more ok with 'ok'. And feeling good again about the here and now, whatever that looks like. This most recent time when we got together, we all shared some good things and hard things. And it was rejuvinative again. One of them pointed out that despite the distance, they were having similar experiences in their lives [team no new friends forever haha], extroverts and introverts alike. Part of what makes our friendship what it is, is that we have such deep roots. I have known some of them since kindergarten, and some since 5th grade up. We know each others elementary school crushes, family dynamics, embarrassing stories and talents, and have known all the different versions of us. That kind of friendship can't be replicated in a couple of months. And thats ok. It doesn't have too be, because these friendships at least will always be there.

I've been seeing lots of studies over the last few years that have shown findings of the importance of friendships, and this is one of the things that got brought up when we were together. When discussing the longevity of our various marriages and relationships, we got down to the nitty gritty and talked about if any of us were to ever end up splitting in the future, what would that look like? Would it affect our friendships with each other? I said this, and was surprised by the reaction. It came down to, no of course it wouldn't-bc at the end of the day, we were friends long before our spouses came into the picture. And God forbid something were to happen-we will be friends long after. Other things change-but our connections to one another won't.

I had never thought of it like that. But if I'm honest with myself, I think thats true. Romantic relationships-especially ones that include children or other lives-take so much work. As a society, we collectively are so focused on using all the resources we can to make these couplings work, and go the distance that we throw all we can at it. Date nights, books, counseling, etc. Divorce or breaking up is often a last resort-but at the end of the day, is still there in case the worst does happen. So we WORK at it. Which I think is great! And SO important. Because all this history, all this life, and all the love we've invested in each other and our marriages/relationships is worth preserving.

So why don't why approach friendships this way? Isn't it strange that we don't put more stock in the relationships that we KNOW will be there when we're still looking for our person-and will still be there to pick up the pieces after if things don't work out? Doesn't that speak to the value of friendship? That we have more faith in the longevity of our friendships then we do in the longevity of our marriages/romantic relationships? And if it does, then shouldn't we do more?

Honestly, when my friend said this, I was so taken aback by it that I talked about it later with Lester. And we both agreed that yes. Deep friendships should be looked at as a bigger priority than they are. And as we do this, every aspect of our lives can be improved-including our romantic ones. I know that the pressure of being the only thing capable of filling a persons cup can be daunting. I know Lester felt reassured that he was there to help me, but that he could help fill my cup as much as he could-and that my family and friends would do the rest. It wasn't all up to him. And I know sometimes I have felt the pressure of not being enough when it all comes down to being everything for everyone at all times in all the ways. Like there's just not enough of me to go around and do the best job I can for it all. It is nice to know there are others there to help fill the spots where I may lack.

It is good to be needed, but I think maybe even better to be wanted. The fact is, soul mates or not, we still need things outside of each other to live. We need air, we need to eat, we need to drink, we need exercise, and we need connection-both romantic and otherwise. I know that I am my happiest, healthiest self when I have BOTH love and friendship. From Lester of course-but ALSO with others. And I am coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing wrong in needing more. I WANT to be with Lester, and I WANT to be with my kids-and I also WANT and NEED a break from them sometimes. Occasionally alone-but more often then not, with people who know me as a wife and Mom-and who ALSO know me as Julia. In ALL my iterations, both before and after those things. 

Love and support in all its forms is such a life giving gift. I'm lucky to have that in a partner, and to have become friends with him before we became more. I am ALSO lucky to have that outside of him. And to know that this will enrich our relationship, not threaten it. Because I don't thinks we should have to choose or prioritize one healthy, enriching relationship over another. Friendship is important.

Anyways-so that is an insight into my cluttered brain and the things in my heart and mind right now. It feels like the deep sigh after the storm ends. Especially knowing that if it starts up again, I have the friendships and relationships to make it through. Now as usual, here are a bunch of pictures of important friendships to me over the years. Realistically I will be back to posting about our last little while in the next few days-I just wanted to record these thoughts while I was having them.