Things are changing. And I feel this strange sense of deja vu. While I haven't always been great at change, roughly 10 years ago now we were moving away from Eastern Idaho to start on a new path, career wise and parenting wise. Both then and now, we felt like we had felt the winds of change pushing us for some time, so when were actually physically leaving, we felt ready. Almost like we'd been in this 'hurry up and wait' phase and it was finally time to move forward on with our life. Now, here we are again, and I feel the same. Next week we'll be heading out for Lester's medical school graduation, and then come back and finally start packing up life. No one ever knows what is coming in life, but at least for now, I feel like whatever it is, I'm ready to find out. Thank goodness for journals, both public and private, as well as good health resources and awesome support systems to help work through these things. 

Anywho, since I imagine I'll soon have more things to write about and record, I thought I'd put down a few of the things the last month or two have held.

-We celebrated Easter. Andy came to visit, and we spent the weekend dying Easter eggs, cooking up a feast, doing dessert w Chio, playing card games [Isla and Andy vye for Uno master every time we get together these days], picnicking, and staying up late into the night talking. It was so fun, and we are so glad he made the trek out here! Also, of course, made Gma's Easter cake. 

-When we found out we would be moving this summer the older girls asked if they could have one last get together with friends. They wanted it to be Harry Potter themed since they just finished reading the books and are a bit obsessed. We did butterbeer flavored ‘sorting cupcakes’, then the various house teams played table top Quidditch (aka kid version of beer pong ), pin the nose on Voldemort, had poly juice potion and golden snitches, played outside and finished w the movie. They had a blast, and I loved seeing them so happy.One of the things I will miss about here is how many kids their age there are for them to play w. That and and how cheap everything is. So at least theres that haha!

-It was Cinco De Mayo, and Chio had told us about an event at one of the parks that was being put on for it. It was so nice to spend some time outside, listen to amazing performances and eat delicious food. And honestly, I don't say this lightly-but they had some of the best horchata we have ever had there. So that was fun! 

-Of course, we've been doing some cooking and baking, bc it wouldn't be us if we didn't haha. 

-We celebrated Mother's Day. I've been thinking a lot about how grateful I am to be a Mom, and how much of motherhood I think means living in the gray area. It means being [just like the movie says] being everything everywhere all at once. For me, motherhood thus far has been the most fulfilling, wonderful and beautiful experience and brought out some the best in me and the people I get to be there for.  I will always be grateful for the mothers and women in my life, and the Mother I am becoming, and the chance I have to do this. Full Stop. 

And at the same time, motherhood is the most difficult, painful, selfless, ugly, tough experience and it has brought out some of the worst in me at times, and occasionally the people I have to be there for. And I think I may always miss parts of myself that were lost when I became a mother. And that is not wrong. Full stop. 

It can be both. And I am learning to accept that, and to try not to frame it one way or the other or make it seem lighter or heavier then exactly what it is. Full of light and full of darkness and all the in between parts. I am so glad that I got to CHOSE to do this; it was and is the right choice for me. And I am equally grateful that I got to CHOOSE when was the right time for me to be done and have the ability to make the adjustments in my body and life to stop when it was time. I think every person should have that right. 

So whether your greatest joy or greatest pain is wanting to be a mother, or being in the gorgeous valleys or deep trenches of said motherhood, or even occasionally wishing you had moments where you were just you, or mourning the loss of children you should still be mothering in person to this day, I hope you know that there are mothers out there who love you and are grateful for your pure existence-you are important and valued exactly as you are. Again. Full Stop.