I've written before about how patience is something that has alluded me over the years. But the funny thing is, when I wrote that, I remember feeling like I was on the right path to changing that, and this in itself was a start. I figured I had a fairly goal oriented personality and it would only be a matter of time until I had attained this attribute and achieved [as master chi fu put it] patience and 'inner peace' if you will.

So a few weeks ago, right towards the middle/end of our big family visit and previously listed plans, I was reminded that I will probably be working on this one for the rest of my life. A day after Isla's birthday party, she developed a nasty cold. It came on full force with fever, chills, yucky cough and other such nonsense. She/we handled it as best we could, but were in the process of last minute stuff, like goodbyes and visiting with those who were staying for a little bit longer. As much as we wanted it to, life just couldn't slow down because she was sick. Luckily, after a while, with some medicine and TLC, she started to feel better as we anticipated. Not so luckily, Addy and I were tagged and were down for the count shortly thereafter. I thought it would only be a matter of time before we were better-but after a week or two of it not relenting we dragged our butts to the doctor's and came out with a diagnosis of virus for the girls and bronchitis for me. I sincerely felt like saying 'Bronchitis-ain't nobody got time for that!' but couldn't muster up the energy, even with my father in law driving and everything.

I felt a little unsettled with the diagnosis for some reason, but I have faith in modern medicine and its workers so I took it at face value and tried to push through it. But it got to the point where even sitting in the living room bundled up in about 10 layers not doing anything other then watching my kids felt like an Everest size climb. Still, I had a sick kid and a baby who needed me. So I turned to the only other option I felt like I had-I asked for a blessing [which is ultimately a prayer said on behalf of the person asking to find extra support or personal guidance from the Lord.]

From the second Lester and my Dad placed their hands on my head, I felt a sense of love, comfort and resignation. I went into thinking that I was going to hear things like 'this burden will be lifted from you' or 'you will have added strength to handle these things yourself'. But you know what? I didn't hear those words. I didn't get those answers. Instead, I heard the words 'we bless you to endure this trial well.' Endure. This was not the word I was looking for. And here is where the lesson started..

Sometimes, whether you want to or not, you can't push through some things-you just need to show yourself some patience and be ok with the fact that you can't always start out and immediately climb Everest. Or in this matter-climb the stairs. About half way up my trudge to feed the kids breakfast with Lester the next morning, I passed out on the stairs apparently. I remember vaguely being shaken awake by Lester at the bottom of them and hearing a confused Addy saying over and over 'what happened to my Mommy?' The next several hours is kind of a blur..Lester took me to the ER where I proceeded to deliriously do things like try to get out of the vehicle while moving, cry like a baby bc I was so cold while sweating bullets and running a fever, tell them I ate a bunch of pop rocks and they wouldn't go away, tell the x-ray tech he talked too much but I loved the star wars machine that he was letting me use so it was ok, and so on and so forth. Good times people! In the end, it was pneumonia, and they kept me for 2 nights because they were concerned it may have been going something called 'septic.' Finally, on the 3rd afternoon, after accepting so much help from friends and family, they sent me home to be with my newly weaned baby and happy toddler. I have been happily on the mend every since.

I feel a little silly posting all this-over dramatic and stuff. But I wanted to post it because it was an important lesson to me-one that I want my kids to have to look back on. I sincerely think that if I had slowed down, taken stock of the situation and taken the help that everyone offered me in the beginning that maybe it wouldn't have gotten so bad. Of course I would still need antibiotics and all, but would I have ended up in the hospital? I'm not sure, but I feel like maybe not.

Patience is a virtue-one that is hard to show-but one that everyone deserves. People think patience is a passive thing-like accepting that you are waiting in misery until something changes. But I am learning that it doesn't have to be this way. We can choose to make the best of a tough situation, and look forward to the things that we will learn and gain. I loved an article I read in the Ensign on this very topic-it hit on so many of the things I had been thinking and put them into words. In James 1:14 it says "...the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.” The article elaborated “Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe, rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance." This is what I felt like I was doing-pacing back and forth, trying to will being sick away rather then appreciating what blessing it is to accept the help and love from the people surrounding me, and looking in awe at what an amazing thing the human body is. She goes on,  " It’s discouraging when plans fall through or don’t pan out as expected. To our mortal minds, divine timing can be hard to understand. But what I can understand is that God is a loving Father who has a plan that guarantees eventual happiness if we are faithful, and I am learning to accept His timing with confidence—not with anxiousness. “patience also helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continued presence is often needed as a part of the learning environment of others.”³ Not only do we need patience, but others also need our patience or the example of our patience. This idea had never dawned on me, and it helped me to view patience as a noble quality, very closely tied to charity, the pure love of Christ, which “never faileth”." Again, this small instance in my life history is an opportunity for my kids to learn from my example of learning patience-and hopefully it can help them as they attempt to develop this over the years. 

She ends this article with a sentiment I agree with wholeheartedly-she says "choose to be happy today. It’s so easy to think, “I will be happy when __________,” but we miss out on so much of what life has to offer by postponing our happiness. Even though we sometimes have to put our desires aside to submit to the will of our Father, that doesn’t mean we have to also put our happiness aside. His love can provide strength, fill voids, and instill hope...Patience is a process, and I’ll always be learning. Even though waiting is hard, I am learning to “count it all joy” when my patience is tried—not because I find joy in the hardness of it, but because I know that it has glorious purpose. I know that letting “patience have her perfect work” is part of fulfilling my purpose here on earth of one day becoming “perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

Anyways, I know this post isn't all of as many fun pictures and experiences as others, but again this is a journal of reality and the good, bad and ugly parts of life. I am happy to say though that if I look at things objectively, I feel like most of my life falls into the good category. I patiently await another my new encounter with this virtue-hopefully I will be quicker to embrace it this time though.