A friend recently asked me why married people always describe marriage as good, but pretty hard-like why get married if its so hard? Why not just stay where your at in your relationship? I didn't really know how to describe to them why-then I was reading this old entry I never posted, and knew I had my answer for this friend. I can honestly say that in my life, I have never felt happier or more fulfilled then I do being married and as a Mom. So yes-in my opinion, marriage can be hard in certain moments-but the happiness, and fulfillment outlast that ten fold, and that has only come through the commitment of marriage for me.
I think I've learned a lot of lessons since coming here to Oklahoma, but one of the biggest is just because you want something bad enough doesn't mean its going to happen right away, or that it is what is right for you. My whole life I've been of the school of thought that if you really, truly want something, and you work as hard and as long as you can, you will make it happen. Up until this point, that has been the case for me. When college seemed like an impossibility, I decided that was unacceptable and did everything I could to make it happen. And it did. When I decided I wanted to make certain people my friends, I did whatever was necessary to get there attention, and make them a part of my life. And they were. When I decided I wanted a big wedding, or when I wanted to make cookies but I didn't have any eggs and no car, I did whatever I had to in order to just make it happen. In the big things and the little, when I was passionate about it, it happened. I think in all these circumstances it was a balance of both my hard work and being in the right place at the right time-a level of luck if you will.
When we moved here, it was hard, and both of us decided that we weren't liking it. But while Lester did everything he could to just push through the difficulties and commit to being here, I had decided with all my heart and head that this was not working and I was getting us out of here. He said if thats what I needed to do, go for it, but he was going to hold his breath and hate being here till I was able to make it work. I thought to myself, "Doesn't he know who I am? Doesn't he know that what I want I get-I make it happen?" I realize that sounds bratty, but again there was no doubt in my mind that if I worked hard enough and found whatever loopholes or opportunities I could, somehow, someway I would get us out of this and we would be home by the end of his internship, no problem.
Then the internship ended and we were still here. I thought, "Ok this is taking longer then I thought, but surely by Christmas, we will be home, no matter what anyone says. I will make it happen." And I couldn't, so it didn't. I spent my first Christmas away from home, and it was hard. The longer it took, and the harder I worked to make it happen, the more I felt myself getting angry and resentful. I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing spiritually and physically, so why wasn't it working out? Why were we still here? This, coupled with my post partum blues which seemed never ending, led to Lester coming home every day from a long shift to a confused, tired, sad and angry wife.
Finally one day he gave me a window into what it was like for him when he suggested that me and Addy move home early and he would stay here until he could somehow join us. I was hurt and offended, and I couldn't believe he was even suggesting that. He then said that he felt like was doing absolutely everything he could to make the best of this situation, to make this place a home for us, and get me everything I wanted and needed, but it wasn't working. He wanted to make me happy, but no matter how much it hurt him, clearly he wasn't doing that, bc every day he would come home to me being so dismally depressed and talking about a way out of here. He said the last thing he would ever want is us to leave, but he couldn't continue to sit by and watch me be so miserable and unhappy, and feel helpless or partially responsible. He said maybe going home would give me what I needed. I immediately said no, still thinking I could get us all out of here, but he said that he needed me to consider this before just saying no.
So I did think about it-and I realized that in order to be happy I couldn't try to keep one foot in this part of my life and one out the door the whole time. If I was going to be here, I had to be here completely, and make the most of it. I realized that sometimes, things aren't on our timeline, and they are out of our control. I knew that if Addy and I went home, we may be happy in temporary aspects, but in the long run I would be miserable and always be disappointed that just the two of us weren't enough for each other. I would be running away from a hard thing, and this would affect my marriage in a way that would last a lifetime. Prayer had already been a constant companion for me in this hard time, but I made my decision and pleaded with the Lord that he would help me through this-I was accepting that I was to stay here for the entire year as we had originally plan, maybe longer, and that it was going to make me and my marriage that I loved better. I wasn't going to continue to be bitter that things weren't happening the way I wanted them to-I was going to focus on being here and trying to get to a point where I wasn't drowning.
I told Lester and he said he was behind me whatever I decided, and I could tell that he was relieved of my decision, but still apprehensive of how happy I would be. The next few months, my prayers changed from cries of 'Please help us find a way to go home, that is what I want..' to "Please help me to accept your will and to find a way to be happy here and make my beautiful family happy to. Please help me to be enough for them." Every day was a journey, but every day it got just a little bit easier. I got to the point where I felt like I was treading water, no longer drowning. I began to find small enjoyments in each day, and to see more clearly all the millions of beautiful moments my days held with my beautiful girl and incredible husband. Most importantly, I was able to see how much my husband loved and sacrificed for me. He had been doing these things all along, but before, I had been so focused on how unhappy being here made me that I couldn't see all the things that made me happy to be here. More time passed, and I got to the point where I felt like I had gone from treading to experiencing the natural buoyancy that came with swimming. Just keep swimming. There was no one specific moment I could remember when it happened-but I knew that I was deeply, peacefully and wholly fulfilled and happy. My marriage, which had always been better then I could have ever imagined, was better then it ever had been and we had learned to 'cleave' to one another more then we ever could have if things had gone the way I wanted them to. We had been solidified and it had shown me all the most important things. What could have been a chink that led to a breaking point instead became what made us unbreakable and closer then ever.
I like to look back on journals of my past-of stories of mine and Lester's first kiss, of his mission and of my single college life, of our first year of marriage and so on. They hold such precious memories in their pages, most of them lighthearted and fun, some of them deeper, but all sweet regardless. But now, I am loving looking back on the pages of this year in Oklahoma, when it seemed like the world was closing in on us but we stuck with it, against what I wanted. It is nice to see how we've improved. This blog and my last one show the differences-this one is much more lengthy and serious, but filled with so much more enduring, true deep and lasting joy and happiness. Memories fade but the lessons we learn and the people we become stay with us forever. Now that the thing which I had wanted so bad is happening-we are going back home all together and so much stronger and in love then before-I thank the Lord that I stayed. I would have missed out on the making of me, the first lessons and joys of one on one time with my girl, and being completely one with my husband. I know I would not have learned these things or received these blessings if I had left. It will be so, so nice to have my extended family again, but I know if we ever had to again, the three of us would be enough for each other, any other place in the world.
I'm glad that sometimes, things don't work out they way we want them to, no matter how hard we try or how right it feels. I'm glad that I had the faith to stick with this when I couldn't see the outcome, and that my husband and daughter had the incredible love and patience to love me enough to break through that barrier of depression, and as a result, the selfish blindness I was living in. They are my biggest blessing. I'm grateful I learned this lesson here in Oklahoma, even if it was hard. And I'm grateful that I can write this now and look back on how well everything worked out. Like Garth Brooks says-I thank God for unanswered prayers.
I think I've learned a lot of lessons since coming here to Oklahoma, but one of the biggest is just because you want something bad enough doesn't mean its going to happen right away, or that it is what is right for you. My whole life I've been of the school of thought that if you really, truly want something, and you work as hard and as long as you can, you will make it happen. Up until this point, that has been the case for me. When college seemed like an impossibility, I decided that was unacceptable and did everything I could to make it happen. And it did. When I decided I wanted to make certain people my friends, I did whatever was necessary to get there attention, and make them a part of my life. And they were. When I decided I wanted a big wedding, or when I wanted to make cookies but I didn't have any eggs and no car, I did whatever I had to in order to just make it happen. In the big things and the little, when I was passionate about it, it happened. I think in all these circumstances it was a balance of both my hard work and being in the right place at the right time-a level of luck if you will.
When we moved here, it was hard, and both of us decided that we weren't liking it. But while Lester did everything he could to just push through the difficulties and commit to being here, I had decided with all my heart and head that this was not working and I was getting us out of here. He said if thats what I needed to do, go for it, but he was going to hold his breath and hate being here till I was able to make it work. I thought to myself, "Doesn't he know who I am? Doesn't he know that what I want I get-I make it happen?" I realize that sounds bratty, but again there was no doubt in my mind that if I worked hard enough and found whatever loopholes or opportunities I could, somehow, someway I would get us out of this and we would be home by the end of his internship, no problem.
Then the internship ended and we were still here. I thought, "Ok this is taking longer then I thought, but surely by Christmas, we will be home, no matter what anyone says. I will make it happen." And I couldn't, so it didn't. I spent my first Christmas away from home, and it was hard. The longer it took, and the harder I worked to make it happen, the more I felt myself getting angry and resentful. I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing spiritually and physically, so why wasn't it working out? Why were we still here? This, coupled with my post partum blues which seemed never ending, led to Lester coming home every day from a long shift to a confused, tired, sad and angry wife.
Finally one day he gave me a window into what it was like for him when he suggested that me and Addy move home early and he would stay here until he could somehow join us. I was hurt and offended, and I couldn't believe he was even suggesting that. He then said that he felt like was doing absolutely everything he could to make the best of this situation, to make this place a home for us, and get me everything I wanted and needed, but it wasn't working. He wanted to make me happy, but no matter how much it hurt him, clearly he wasn't doing that, bc every day he would come home to me being so dismally depressed and talking about a way out of here. He said the last thing he would ever want is us to leave, but he couldn't continue to sit by and watch me be so miserable and unhappy, and feel helpless or partially responsible. He said maybe going home would give me what I needed. I immediately said no, still thinking I could get us all out of here, but he said that he needed me to consider this before just saying no.
So I did think about it-and I realized that in order to be happy I couldn't try to keep one foot in this part of my life and one out the door the whole time. If I was going to be here, I had to be here completely, and make the most of it. I realized that sometimes, things aren't on our timeline, and they are out of our control. I knew that if Addy and I went home, we may be happy in temporary aspects, but in the long run I would be miserable and always be disappointed that just the two of us weren't enough for each other. I would be running away from a hard thing, and this would affect my marriage in a way that would last a lifetime. Prayer had already been a constant companion for me in this hard time, but I made my decision and pleaded with the Lord that he would help me through this-I was accepting that I was to stay here for the entire year as we had originally plan, maybe longer, and that it was going to make me and my marriage that I loved better. I wasn't going to continue to be bitter that things weren't happening the way I wanted them to-I was going to focus on being here and trying to get to a point where I wasn't drowning.
I told Lester and he said he was behind me whatever I decided, and I could tell that he was relieved of my decision, but still apprehensive of how happy I would be. The next few months, my prayers changed from cries of 'Please help us find a way to go home, that is what I want..' to "Please help me to accept your will and to find a way to be happy here and make my beautiful family happy to. Please help me to be enough for them." Every day was a journey, but every day it got just a little bit easier. I got to the point where I felt like I was treading water, no longer drowning. I began to find small enjoyments in each day, and to see more clearly all the millions of beautiful moments my days held with my beautiful girl and incredible husband. Most importantly, I was able to see how much my husband loved and sacrificed for me. He had been doing these things all along, but before, I had been so focused on how unhappy being here made me that I couldn't see all the things that made me happy to be here. More time passed, and I got to the point where I felt like I had gone from treading to experiencing the natural buoyancy that came with swimming. Just keep swimming. There was no one specific moment I could remember when it happened-but I knew that I was deeply, peacefully and wholly fulfilled and happy. My marriage, which had always been better then I could have ever imagined, was better then it ever had been and we had learned to 'cleave' to one another more then we ever could have if things had gone the way I wanted them to. We had been solidified and it had shown me all the most important things. What could have been a chink that led to a breaking point instead became what made us unbreakable and closer then ever.
I like to look back on journals of my past-of stories of mine and Lester's first kiss, of his mission and of my single college life, of our first year of marriage and so on. They hold such precious memories in their pages, most of them lighthearted and fun, some of them deeper, but all sweet regardless. But now, I am loving looking back on the pages of this year in Oklahoma, when it seemed like the world was closing in on us but we stuck with it, against what I wanted. It is nice to see how we've improved. This blog and my last one show the differences-this one is much more lengthy and serious, but filled with so much more enduring, true deep and lasting joy and happiness. Memories fade but the lessons we learn and the people we become stay with us forever. Now that the thing which I had wanted so bad is happening-we are going back home all together and so much stronger and in love then before-I thank the Lord that I stayed. I would have missed out on the making of me, the first lessons and joys of one on one time with my girl, and being completely one with my husband. I know I would not have learned these things or received these blessings if I had left. It will be so, so nice to have my extended family again, but I know if we ever had to again, the three of us would be enough for each other, any other place in the world.
I'm glad that sometimes, things don't work out they way we want them to, no matter how hard we try or how right it feels. I'm glad that I had the faith to stick with this when I couldn't see the outcome, and that my husband and daughter had the incredible love and patience to love me enough to break through that barrier of depression, and as a result, the selfish blindness I was living in. They are my biggest blessing. I'm grateful I learned this lesson here in Oklahoma, even if it was hard. And I'm grateful that I can write this now and look back on how well everything worked out. Like Garth Brooks says-I thank God for unanswered prayers.
[how could life be anything but wonderful with this sweet girls smile?]
