There is a song by Darius Rucker called "So I Sang." While I may not be a music aficionado, I can tell you that I love this song. There are a lot of times in my life [especially recently] where I've found my reaction inadequate to express what I'm feeling. I don't know that I've always been as unemotional as I think I am now, but for some reason I find the older I get and the more I have on my plate, or the more I know about the world the less I feel so inclined to cry.

A good example is when my Grandpa died. Honestly, thus far in my life I have dealt with very little death, and with this we knew it was coming for a long long time. So when it did happen I remember not knowing how to react or what to say. There was a lot to be done, and so that's what I focused on-I remember feeling even slightly uncomfortable with everyone crying around me or needing a shoulder to cry on. Not because what they were feeling was inappropriate, but because I felt like shouldn't I be doing that? Isn't my reaction [or lack thereof] inappropriate? I remember conversations with people of surprise or the look of slightly raised eyebrows when they'd see my 100% lack of tears and even take of normalcy. I can say that maybe this was because I believe that families are forever and I knew we'd see him again [which I do, but still..] and I could try to blame my hormones being out of whack because I was pregnant with Addy, or all of these things-but I do know that one feeling I had was utter confusion. Like when someone asks you a question, and you stutter because your mind is a complete blank and your trying to think of the right words to say because you know they exist, but can't find them. Thats what it was like watching everyone else cry and mourn and trying to access my emotions and feelings at that time-I knew I had those emotions, but I didn't know how or where to find them. Not even in a sad way-like the tears were there, but I couldn't shed them. For me personally, it couldn't touch what I was feeling or express where I was at.

I remember sitting down to record my last days with him, and my beliefs on the matter, to freeze those moments in time-and finally getting the outlet I needed. Tears couldn't do the job-but the words flowing from my fingertips and the song I was listening to released all the feelings that I had and wanted to express to everyone around me. Feelings of gratitude, love, endearing memories, lessons learned, eternity and so much more-happiness even.

I think that both back then and today, music has the power to express what sometimes the body can't. And I feel the same way about the written word. People have said 'Sometimes words fail." They are right-but sometimes, emotions fail, and there are not enough tears in the world to be shed to convey what your are feeling-but when you sit down and write, the words come flowing out.

I am not a great singer. I am not a great artist. I am not an overtly emotional person, or great crier [anymore at least..]-and I am not the best at knowing how to act, or share in tears, or help people who are feeling this way. But I guess I feel like Darius-except instead of singing, I write. And that gets my feelings and message across more then my tears could.

I guess I just wanted to share this because someday, when this song becomes about me, and I've passed on I hope my kids never feel gypped or like I didn't care because I am not as emotional as the other Moms. I hope they know that with every little picture they draw, or ridiculous adorable face they make, struggle they go through, performance they put on and choices they make that I love them more then my tears could ever say and that they are accessing a part of my heart that is made just for them. I hope my siblings know that, and my parents-I know Lester knows that because we are cut from the same cloth in this respect. I hope they also know that it is ok if they are like me in this way, or completely opposite-they could be like Darius and Mariah and sing what they feel because words are not enough. They could be like my sisters Hillary and Samantha or my Mom and express through compassion and tears what they feel. They could be like me, and Lester or Grandpa and show it through written words or actions. Or they could be like Luke, and show it through all of these things.

Anyways. To sum it up, I do cry occasionally [especially if pain is involved haha..] but ultimately I can't get what I need to across the planes of differing personalities, feelings and emotions. So I write.