5 years ago, on October 22nd, I nervously, and excitedly shared this with friends:

"its go time. see you on the other side of parenthood!"

Then, over the next few weeks,  I shared these pictures.













And yesterday, all those memories, sleepless nights, tears, adjustments and stresses of 1st time parenthood came flooding back as I looked at my Adelaide thrive while blowing out her candles, all while I cuddled my new little life in Bear. I was especially in my feelings, as I watch several of my friends and family go through those first scary, and beautifully tender times with their firsts. People tell you what to expect, and things to prepare for-and even though every pregnancy, parent and child is a completely unique experience-the advice is often right. But no matter how much you hear what they say, and try to do all those things-I don't think its possible to fully understand what you are taking on. Its like describing the ocean to someone. They can know what your talking about, even see it in their heads and bring all the necessary equipment and preparation, with swimming classes, sunscreen etc-but it still doesn't prepare them for the BEAUTY, or the sheer POWER of it, with the crashing of the waves and the feel of the gritty sand under their toes, or the cold salt water hitting them, pumping their adrenaline. They KNOW, but they don't UNDERSTAND. That is first time parenthood or full time care giving. You can know how tired you'll be, but you can't understand it, until your in there.

And most of all, you can know how much your going to love this little person you've been waiting for, but you don't understand it, until you are there, and your capacity to love and sacrifice infinitely multiplies forever.

Adelaide gave me that. She was, and is, a gift that I get to appreciate and learn from daily, and she paved the way for me to open my heart and arms to my other children. Our family would be incomplete without each and every one of them and the special things they bring to the table-and I believe she was meant to be my first, as I figured out how to start this journey. She is patient with me as I figure out this learning curve, and is truly one of my best friends. I am grateful for her and these lessons every day, and that I get to have a front row seat for the awesome things she has in store for the world.

That said, looking back on the things I felt and wrote those 5 years ago helped me to realise all of God's tender mercies. I think I felt so alone back then, being in a new place, knowing no one, and stepping into this new role as a mother. But now I can see how good that was for me-and I also see how much everyone else found different ways to support, teach and love me through it, even though they weren't physically there. I see now that I had a village the whole time, in both people I expected, and people I didn't, and I want to return that with all these new Moms. Its ok to need time to adjust-its ok to be human. And its ok to feel overwhelmed, and fulfilled, and terrified, and incredibly happy all at the same time. And the roller coaster of that 'newness' if you will, doesn't last forever. It ebbs and flows, but the highs are definitely worth the lows. I mean it when I say that too, bc I did it two more times afterwards haha! And each time, I have felt more of that fulfilment, and less of that scared phase. But even in the moments now when its hard, I know its not forever....but the blessing of being their Mom is.

Anyways, this year, instead of doing a party like we've done in the past, we had a pretty low key, all about Addy type of day. She was very specific about her cake-she wanted it to be 'vanilla, with strawberries and bananas in the middle' and she wanted to help me make it [which made me nervous-I was planning on buying it, bc although I feel my baking game is pretty strong, cakes are by far my weakest area I think haha!]. But we made it happen, and she loved it! We had balloons with her favourite colours and princesses. She opened presents with my family and Lester's parents, and we played games and ate her favourite noodles. One of the presents she got was tickets to Disney On Ice, so that will be another fun first for us! In the end, although it was low key, she said it was the best day ever, so I will take it. This, coupled with a few costume parties we've been to, have made for a great October so far!