First off, Lester and Addy are the best things that have ever happened to anyone, especially me, and I am so grateful for them and my life. But now I want your input.

I believe this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf with all my heart:

"Often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial.

The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness.

We do matter. We determine our happiness."

My question is HOW do we do this? B/c I feel like I'm trying everything I can to be happy, and attending to all the spiritual and physical points, but some how its still a struggle. Things got a lot better for a while, but then Lester got his schedule for the next few months. And guess what? Its not only weekend shift, but the night shift. One of my favorite things that testifies to what a good husband Lester is, is that he puts Addy to bed each night. He sings to her and reads sometimes, and they get to bond and I get my me time. Now, that will all be gone. While he is home, he will need to sleep, then he will go to work and we will go to sleep. For a long time I was feeling really lonely-but I tried to appreciate the hours we did have together. Now there will be even less of those. I feel like it will be just the two of us a majority of the time, and that stinks for us and for him. I know that there are those who have it way harder then I do-army families and what not. Props to them-because it is so much harder then I could have imagined.

I should say that I don't think these feelings are baby blues/post partum related in any way-she is one of the few things that I can wholeheartedly connect with and taking care of her is a joy. But whenever we leave here for Texas [which I guess we wont be doing as much since its on weekends and hes working now] or home, I am back to being me again-happy and healthy. So I believe it has to do with being here in this situation. There, I feel, fun, safe, smart and like people want me there, rather then just looking at me as service project. Honestly I think its feelings of homesickness. But then that makes me wonder whats wrong with me that everyone else can hack it here, far from their friends and family, but I can't? Why am I so weak at this?

To give you an example of the things I have been doing, I listen to general conference talks and read scriptures daily, I journal, I bake, I try to serve every time I find an opportunity, I go for walks and get out of the house, and I try to give myself projects and  hobbies. I skype with the people I love, and have the best ever support system in my husband who works so hard and selflessly whenever he can.

So WHAT is wrong with me? WHY can't I hack it? Does anyone out there have any suggestions for me on how to make myself be happy? Does anyone out there have experience with this? I believe we do matter and we do determine our happiness. But again..HOW? I am open to any thoughts or suggestions. Again, I know my life is SO wonderful, and that I am SO blessed, and I hope no one thinks I don't love or appreciate these things. I have my good days too, and I am glad I can blog about those as well. This is just a one of those tough days and I want to know if anyone has ways to give me less of those. I want to be my best self for these two-my best and biggest blessings. I am hoping that as I become happier I can make them as happy as they deserve. Because they deserve the world.