Reflection-Procedure & Breastfeeding
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My baby is currently sleeping. I can't stop looking at her. She is so beautiful. It has been an interesting week-as I stare at her, I can't help but wonder what its been like for her. What goes through her mind, how she sees this world she's so recently come into. I know I've talked multiple times about how its so difficult-but two things happened this week that had me wishing there were parts of her life I could just freeze and hold forever. Pictures and this journal is going to be as close as I get to that.
It all started with a cough. For weeks Lester had been coughing. Of course, we all tried to avoid catching it, but when you live with someone its kind of impossible to do that. Of course, our poor baby girl ended up getting sick next. She was so incredibly congested, with a barking cough that racked her poor little three month old body. She handled it better then i ever could have ever imagined. Even amidst her difficulties, she smiled and cooed-she was the trooper that I never was in sickness.
We took her to the Doctor when her coughing started getting in the way of her breathing. He said she had bronchitis and so her prescribed Albuteral, and gave us a nebulizer for it. He wanted us to come back in a week.. So, after dealing with lots of the humidifier, saline solution and pain she got over it and by the next week she was doing much better. In order to get everything in the clear, we asked her about he excessive spitting up mucus and runny/liquid poop. They thought we should check her weight-turned out that in the last month she had completely plateaued. She hasn't gain any weight, and if anything she's lost a few ounces. I breastfeed, so its normal for her to be on the slim side. In the end, they think it could be acid reflux or were wondering if its thyroid related [that runs in my family].
Ultimately, they want her to undergo 'a procedure' on Tuesday where they will sedate her and put scope/camera down her throat to see if they can find anything out. Its at the hospital where we had her. I know its minor, but the thought of this breaks my heart. I asked them if we could postpone it and try a few other things, but they were pretty insistent. We are going to pray about it and see if she's gained any weight [im supplementing with formula now] and then decide, but we think we may end up doing it. My heart is BREAKING-every time we cuddle and she smiles up at me I feel like I'm betraying her. But I want to find out whats going on-it is my job to keep her safe because I love her with all of me. I am still nervous about it. Please keep us in your prayers.
The other thing that happened is silly, but life altering for me. As I said, I breastfeed. In trying to help her gain some weight, I've been pumping and mixing it with some formula. When I started doing this, my Mom warned that she may get more used to the bottle nipple and not want to breastfeed. I told her if that happened that's that, and I could handle it. She said to call me if I needed to cry, and she would cry with me-apparently that happened with me and her when I was Addy's age. I kind of didn't think that would really happen, but as usual, Mom was right. Addy started to just want the bottle. I didn't think I liked breastfeeding. But boy was I wrong. I love feeling like i can give her everything she needs. I love that it is free. I love that it is healthy for her and me. I love that time that me and her have to be close and cuddle and communicate without words. I even love the late night feedings where it is just me and her in the world and everything else is still. Just the two of us, in this together. I love feeling so important to her. And now, she is growing up and not needing or wanting me-already! I expected this as a teen but not so soon! After calling my Mom sobbing, she calmed me down and reminded me that even as a teen, the two of us have always been close. I still need my Mom-and Addy will still always need and love me. She will also be independent and want to do things herself or her way-but this is part of her growing up and it will be happening forever and so I better get used to it. Plus, I know so many incredible Moms who bottle feed and they are just as close to there babies as anyone.
Anyways, like I said, its been a interesting week. She is still breastfeeding here and there, and when we weigh her tomorrow we will see if it works. If it does, we will cancel the procedure and keep having feeding her this way. She may become a bottle baby. And that will be fine. If she hasn't gained weight, then we will do the procedure and stop using the bottle, and she will keep being a breastfed baby. Pros and cons to both. I guess only time will tell.
