Coping From Round Two
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Considering my last post this one will be ironic since the things I wrote about hoping to never deal with again happened a day later. But I am constantly thinking about the things generations beyond me will have to deal with and I want them to know of my experiences in case they can be of help somehow. Especially now that I have a daughter-I want her to know its ok to have a hard time, to be scared and have trouble getting over something. I want her to know that I have faith that hard things pass, and I want to be able to show her proof of that a few months from now when I am hoping to write about how much better we’re doing and how this is a distant memory.
This post is going to be brutally honest, and I don’t care if people think the less of me. Other people seem to be handling this so much better then us, even with their much worse damage and circumstances. But for me it was terrifying and I don’t feel bad about feeling that way anymore. My husband and I have talked over and over again about this and asked each other how can we ever describe this to someone? How could they ever understand how it was? I don’t think you can unless you’ve been through it-you might think you understand, but you don’t. I didn’t-scary things have happened before in my life, and I thought I knew what it was to be scared for my life, but I just didn’t until now.
And the thing is I can’t stop replaying it over and over in my mind and thinking about how lucky we were, and how I don’t want to have to keep saying this when it happens again and again. I think about how things that used to be beautiful are just terrifying now. Like rain-it used to be comforting, now all I see is the potential for softball size hail, or flash floods, or it falling so fast and hard its is going vertical with the wind, knocking down trees and breaking peoples windows. Or how we used to count till the thunder came as kids, but now its so loud you think crazy thoughts like we must be under attack because there is an explosion. Or the brightness of lightning, how it used to be so pretty but now its blinding and doesn’t stop for hours and it goes from black to white even through your closed blinds. Or worst of all-tornados, which seem fake in movies but are all to much of a scary reality.
That facts are this. We had basic storm warnings all week, that went between ‘isolated T storms’ and ‘severe thunder storms’. So far, most of them had come to naught and that morning we had even gone and seen a movie because it was so hot. On our way back, Lester, who had been sick all weekend, was getting worse so he had to call in sick to work. I was considering taking Addy swimming, when I got a text from a good friend in the area asking if we were ok. I was confused, and then she explained that the weather reports were concerning because when it gets so hot so fast, the heat rises and mixes with the cold air, causing swirling and a great potential for tornados. We turned on the news and she was right so we stayed inside. The three of us took a nap until we woke up a few hours later to find that there was indeed a tornado about 30 minutes away from us where another dear friend lives. We were very concerned for her, especially when they started saying that the usual hiding in an interior room, such as a bathroom wasn’t gonna cut it. We found out today she is ok so that is a miracle. I had our bags packed already in advance, and we knew we had to leave, but the question was where. In reviewing our plan from last time, we felt that a wiser choice then would have been to just drive as far the opposite direction of the tornado as possible. We considered doing that, or going back to our friends house-I don’t know why but we chose to stay at our friends. This was the right choice, because with the news reports everyone had been trying to drive away and it resulted in the closing of major high ways-of the few deaths that occurred many of them were people on the roads. Again, we are so lucky to be safe.
Apart from that, the news was extremely on top of things and because of the excellent coverage, we along with everyone it seemed on this side of Oklahoma took cover. Before the lights went out, we knew it was heading our direction and that another tornado was forming. I have already told you how scary it was outside. Because the lights were out and we were in the closets, we tried the best we could when we had reception to hear any news about what was going on. There were two instances where we heard and could feel the tornados. The scariest was when it was absolutely violent outside, and then all of the suddenly everything was 100% still. We had no idea how close the tornado was, if it was far or if we were possibly in it. It was just such a foreboding stillness before it all started back up again-like it was saying ‘brace yourself’ or something.
Eventually, several hours later, things had calmed down enough that we were able to see if our apartment was ok, and by some miracle it was. Driving the short distance to our place, we saw debri like trampolines from who knows where and some trees torn in half. We waited the night out in darkness and lightning and woke up to our lights back on-us being some of the only people in the larger Oklahoma area with power. Once the news was back on, we found that there had only been nine casualties and that there had in fact been three tornados that had touched down 2 miles away from us.
After waiting till the flash flood warnings had subsided, we were to the point where we had to go get some food so we ventured out. Our street had been blocked and barricaded because the telephone poles were lying on the ground, still connected an who knows if they were live or not. In our short drive, many streets were under the same circumstances, and there were trees, fences and power lines down all over the place. At that point, all we could do was laugh because there was no way that just happened. It is all just to much.
The crazy part is, these tornados we less severe then the one last week that destroyed much of Moore. But because one was closer to us, and there were three of them it felt even closer to home. It was traumatic, and the only time I sleep is when I am so exhausted I can’t stay up and it is good because I am so tired I don’t dream. Every day gets a little better in some ways-I know this fear and these feelings will pass, but every time they do start to I think ‘but don’t put your guard down-who knows whats coming next.’ I guess I just feel like we got punched when we were all down. Lester stayed home sick for one more day, but today he heads back to work for a few days. I don’t know what I would have done if he had not been here-like I said before, I am able to keep it together a lot better during these situations for Addy’s sake, but we would have been stranded both physically, and [after she fell asleep] emotionally had it not been for him. This talk sums up how I feel both in my faith at this point and my moments of discouragement-its entitled “Hope you know, we had a hard time..’ It basically talks about how there are times where we come to the Savior in fear and pain and confide in our Father in Heaven ‘Hope ya know, we had a hard time..’ and he is able to provide the peace and comfort we are so earnestly seeking. I know I have needed to approach him with this sentiment several times this week...and multiple times he has reassured me an calmed my troubled soul, as I am sure he is doing with those so much more hurt then me.
I guess I would just like to end by saying two things. The first is that this experience has given me perspective-there will always be vexations in life, be it from the occasion car trouble, game loss, or just difficult day for whatever reason. But now, all those things seem so minuscule in the grand scheme of things-especially as I watch neighbors open their homes to displaced family members, or people grieving for the loss of their home, or worst, loved ones. We should try to learn to appreciate what we have and not waste time being upset about the other things-but even as I write this, I know some day I will forget this, and my perspective will go back to being spoiled. I am desperately trying to dwell on these positives right now, because I have my family, my health and my safety-and even though we feel invincible, life is beautiful and fragile and you never know how long it is going to last. Luckily, for us, ours is an eternal family-but still I would like us to be able to enjoy each other now as well.
Also, many people have asked why we don’t come home now. I know lots of people don’t understand this and there are moments where we ask ourselves why not leave now? But there are several reasons we are staying, and until July, we are going to ride this thing out. When we do leave here, I know we will be happy but also so incredibly proud of ourselves for the things we’ve accomplished and the ways we have changed. So come July, we will be there with bells on-but at this point no sooner.
Now that I have probably sufficiently shown you my weaknesses, I do want to say I KNOW your prayers and support have helped. We feel them in every thing we do and every step we take. Thank you, thank you, thank you on behalf of us and all those who are receiving the blessings you are all bringing. They are numerous indeed. Please be patient with us as we continue to cope with all this, and as we try to get in contact with you when we can-it could be a while at this point. Just know that we love you all too, so much and we appreciate you.
[this is outside our driveway..can you see the downed power lines?]
[more from our driveway..]
[out the back way..every other tree down or messed up..]
The crazy part is, these tornados we less severe then the one last week that destroyed much of Moore. But because one was closer to us, and there were three of them it felt even closer to home. It was traumatic, and the only time I sleep is when I am so exhausted I can’t stay up and it is good because I am so tired I don’t dream. Every day gets a little better in some ways-I know this fear and these feelings will pass, but every time they do start to I think ‘but don’t put your guard down-who knows whats coming next.’ I guess I just feel like we got punched when we were all down. Lester stayed home sick for one more day, but today he heads back to work for a few days. I don’t know what I would have done if he had not been here-like I said before, I am able to keep it together a lot better during these situations for Addy’s sake, but we would have been stranded both physically, and [after she fell asleep] emotionally had it not been for him. This talk sums up how I feel both in my faith at this point and my moments of discouragement-its entitled “Hope you know, we had a hard time..’ It basically talks about how there are times where we come to the Savior in fear and pain and confide in our Father in Heaven ‘Hope ya know, we had a hard time..’ and he is able to provide the peace and comfort we are so earnestly seeking. I know I have needed to approach him with this sentiment several times this week...and multiple times he has reassured me an calmed my troubled soul, as I am sure he is doing with those so much more hurt then me.
[Our little Okie who makes it all worth it..]
